It's incredibly frustrating when your mind and your heart compete with each other. You want something but yet you know logically that it's just not the right time for it.
<br>I'm feeling that way right now. I want SO much to be pregnant again. I want the excitement, the feeling of little kicks and most importantly, I want my second chance at normal. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change our journey with Reagan. It got us to where we are today. I truly believe that I am so much more thankful, on a different level, than I would have been if she were a term baby. Don't get me wrong, I would have been thankful for a healthy baby either way but given the thought that I could have lost her, makes me appreciate the fact that I have her so much more. Add that to the fact that she is healthy and happy and the sweetest little person on the planet, I couldn't love her more.
<br> But I really want my chance at a normal pregnancy, with a "normal" delivery and a normal newborn that I get to bring home with me from the hospital. It's so weird. It's almost something I can't control feeling, like it's almost like a pull almost. But I know that right now is not the right time. I want to enjoy Reagan a little more, with it just being her. I want her to be 'a little closer to potty training by the time a new baby comes along. Not to mention, a part of me wonders if I truly want another baby or if I just want another pregnancy. This is something that I am having to sort out with the heart vs. head situation. I can't imagine loving another baby as much as I love Reagan. I want to give her everything. I can totally see us just having her. But it's almost like a feeling of being incomplete. I know that we aren't done. It's just so hard to decide when the right time is.
<br> I have so many friends that are pregnant right now, it's almost ridiculous! But I can't help but feel a sting of jealousy towards them when I find out they are pregnant. But then when I think about it, it scares me to death because I don't think we are ready for another baby yet. I really want to wait at least 6 months, when Reagan turns 2. There's another part of me that just wants to let God decide when we have another baby but I know that He would be perfectly happy with us having another. After all, it's what he made us for. So, then my brain kicks in and tells me that it's ridiculous to even entertain the idea of another baby right now.
<br> There's also the part of me that is scared of other peoples' reactions to a future pregnancy. I know, I know I shouldn't worry what other people think. But I know that I will get a lot of judgemental comments and side-eyes because I'm risking getting sick and bringing another baby into the world prematurely or even risking both of our lives. But honestly, I feel like it would be selfish of me NOT to have another baby. To give up on the thought of adding to our family just because I'm scared. I know that God will take care of us, so I am going to go into a future pregnancy more prepared than last time and with LOTS of prayer. After all, that's all I have. But I can't help but think that my next pregnancy will be dampend by thoughts of other peoples' judgements.
<br> It's just such a tough decision and one that I am just going to have to pray about and talk to John about.
We'll see how it all pans out... I have a feeling that I'm going to end up caving and wanting to get pregnant a little sooner than planned but I have to make sure we are ready in every way.
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